Legolas's Mailbag
by paint-pastel-princess
Summary: A closer look at Legolas's fanmail ... and his replies ... scary stuff ...


Hey everyone! Yes, once again I am jumping on the bandwagon of a popular idea and milking it for all it is worth, and here is my Latest Instalment!!!  
  
And thankyou for everyone who reviewed my last chapter of The Journal of Aragorn ... wow that was the most reviews I ever received ... real morale booster, Thanks!  
  
And yes, as mentioned, I have read the Very Secret Diaries (the original version) and to me that fanfic is like a bible to me, and I have gotten many of my ideas from it. Unfortunatley the original version has been taken off fanfic.net I think, so I cant remember who wrote them, but whoever did – kudos!  
  
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))  
  
Kinds of fanmail usually received by LOTR Characters:  
  
(If they, you know, could receive fan mail being fantasy characters and all)  
  
Greetings Comrades, and welcome to the first instalment of Fanmail-that- LOTR-charcters-receive-and-what-they-write-back-and-different-types-of-fan- mail.  
  
For short, let us just call it F.T.LOTR.C.R.A.W.T.W.B.A.D.T.O.F  
  
For this edition we will use Legolas as our example, for he usually receives the bulk of the Fanmail.  
  
Our First letter is sent to us from Jane Smith, your average LOTR fan. This kind of person usually has no outstanding qualities what so ever and nothing about this person is interesting, despite their non-threatening exterior. Her following letter was as thus:  
  
Dear Legolas,  
  
My name is Jane Smith. I am 15 years old, am from North  
  
Decoda and enjoy hanging with friends. I liked your movies  
  
The Lord of The Rings trilogy. Congratulations on a good  
  
movie and I wish you well in your further gallivants.  
  
From Jane Smith.  
  
Not a very interesting read. And Legolas' reply followed as thus:  
  
Dear Jane Smith,  
  
Thankyou for your kind letter and I appreciate your support.  
  
From Legolas.  
  
Phew, our first kind of fan out of the way. WE apologise to have the most boring at the start but we felt we had to include Jane Smith otherwise she may have bored the pants of us later on.  
  
Our next is from another fan, relatively common among teenage and pre teen girls. This kind usually only ever watch the LOTR Rings for one of three reasons: Legolas, Frodo or Legolas, and couldn't tell us the difference between a Hobbit and an ironing board.  
  
Dear Leggy,  
  
OMG! I am like, your biggest fan!!!!!!!! My name is Lindy Starr  
  
and I love your movie and I think your soooo hot and so kewl  
  
and I want to marry you, so call me on 987-457-238 coz I  
  
think we'd be really good 2gether and we have lotz in common.  
  
hugs 'n' kizzes((((  
  
luv Lindy Starr.  
  
There are several answers Legolas could give to this, so lets thank our stars he replies:  
  
Dear Lindy,  
  
I find you and everything about you grotesque so gotake a flying fuck  
at the moon.  
  
Legolas  
  
P.S: Never come near me. Ever  
  
P.P.S: Call me Leggy again and I will call my cave troll to mash you.  
  
Those here who are still alive and/or haven't thrown up, we have our next stereotype: the "Poor Me-er." This one is always a teenage girl who will write a very angsty letter to the object of her fancy making her life sound absolutely miserable, although making it all up. This is in hope of The object of her fancy will feel sorry for her and whisk her away and shower her with love and gifts.  
  
Dear Legolas,  
  
Writing to you is good for me because it distracts me from  
  
the constant pain I feel every day. I feel like I can really be  
  
open to you. Today I went to school and was harrassed by  
  
all the girls at school for my beauty. Then when I got home  
  
I was abused by my alchoholic father, who beats me calls and  
  
me terrible names. I am so depressed and I wish I could die.  
  
My family has no money and my dad is badgering me to  
  
become a prostitute to support his drinking habit. This pain  
  
I feel every day cannot be worth living.  
  
Love (if there is such thing)  
  
Lucy Whitherington.  
  
Legolas replied;  
  
Lucy,  
  
You are lame. You are so very lame. I'm just putting my opinion forth:  
You are lamelamelamelamelame.  
  
Go, get a boyfriend, eat some chocolate and moon and spoon  
  
all your attention getting woes on him.  
  
Legolas.  
  
Next we have one of the most dangerous fans of all...the really, really smutty ones.  
  
This is a prime example.  
  
Dear Legolas,  
  
I am a tall blonde, tanned girl called Babeth Sexworth.  
  
I enjoy eating things in a suggestive manner and licking things  
  
very slowly. If you were here, I'd get some hot milk and pour  
  
in on you chest. Then I'd suck it up through a straw whilst –  
  
censored  
  
Apologies, but we have to cut it short there as there may or may not be children reading this, (Actually, the author is getting embarrased) Legolas replied:  
  
Dear Babeth Sexworth,  
  
Thankyou for your offer, but I will have to turn it down as I  
  
prefer men and plants.  
  
Legolas  
  
Now we are up to the final few. This one is the over dramatic fan. Normally children of Drama teachers and Italians.  
  
HI LEGOLAS!!!!  
  
MY NAME IS LOLA OVEREACTUS AND I WAS WONDERING  
  
WHEN YOU WILL BE COMING TO AUSTALIA BECAUSE I WILL  
  
ABSOLUTLEY DIE IF I DON'T GET TO MEET YOU! IF I COULD JUST SEE YOU THEN  
MY LIFE WILL BE COMPLETE.  
  
EXTREME QUANTATIES OF LOVE  
  
LOLA  
  
Legolas's reply:  
  
Lola,  
  
Eeaasse...  
  
Legolas.  
  
This is my personal pet hate. When people use SMS language in general  
writing. Thus our next candidate:  
  
Hi Legolaz!  
  
My name iz k8 & I luv u. I think u r 2 kewl to b 4 got10 and I  
  
think u should b my bf. SMS me on 0405987263  
  
Luv k8  
  
Legolas's reply:  
  
K8,  
  
Even if I could understand you letter I doubt I'd ever call you.  
  
That's if you wanted me to call ... that was your number wasn't  
  
it?  
  
Legolas.  
  
The next piece of fanmail is a classic. A Poem. Oh raptures and Joy for all! Most of these are really badly written, rhyming th two same words. And Emily Bronta's here, are no exception.  
  
Dear Legolas,  
  
My name is Emily and I wrote a poem for you.  
  
The stars are shining bright  
  
My love likes to fight  
  
He fights like no-one else fights  
  
But only if he has the right to fight  
  
His voice is like a thousand tiny bells  
  
It sends me not to hell  
  
Or in a well.  
  
He is an angel, my one, my own  
  
I treasure him like a precious stone  
  
This goes on for about another page, but it is hurting me and I am sure it hurts you also. Legolas did not reply as he vomited on the letter, smearing the return address Emily left on the envelope.  
  
And at last, the final type of fanmail. Sent from a guy named Brad Fireheart.  
  
Dear Legolas,  
  
My name is Brad Fireheart. I am  
  
buff and surf a lot. I think we should go out.  
  
Awaiting your response,  
  
Brad Fireheart.  
  
Legolas replied:  
  
Dear Brad,  
  
You sound like a deep and individual person. I think we should  
  
get together. Very Soon.  
  
Love, your Elf,  
  
Leggy.  
  
Here endeth our lesson in Legolas's fanmail. Of course, there are exceptions to these basic groups but they are often rare. We hoped you have enjoyed yourself, and you have discovered more about your favourite elf.  
  
No I am not being a racist ... I am basing this on my Italian step family and the general stereotype that Europeans are dramatic ... don't kill me...  
  
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I think that was pretty accurate ... comments? Questions? Flames? Just click South!!  
  
Thanks! 


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